This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
