I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
