Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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