He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
