oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
