She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
