I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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