Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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