Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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