3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
