I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
