hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
