Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
farters have to be the big spoon...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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