I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize