My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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