He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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