You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
