How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
