i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she told me i tasted like america
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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