I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
