also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
