He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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