sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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