i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize