Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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