hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize