So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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