your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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