The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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