I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You made out with two different species that night
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
