hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
