I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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