So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize