I cockslap morals
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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