i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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