"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize