you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
