Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
