and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
