I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
