I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
