I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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