Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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