I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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