So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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