I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
