My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
