1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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