I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
