dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
