After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
