and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize