Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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