Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
