so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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