Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i think i just lost a toe
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
