Im at strip club and am horny
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
