sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
