Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
