I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just had sex bonerless
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
