The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize