broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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