Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize