I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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