Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize