he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
