i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
