in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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