I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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